RIP, Dead Whitney Houston

The death of a celebrity defines our character. How will you face the strange dilemma of defending or defiling a famous person's corpse? 

More importantly, how does one intuit what the party demands of you? A good rule of thumb is to consult Google. Not in an obvious way, mind you--for all of us have tried to query 'rise to power now' and were disheartened that this machine has not yet the capacity for Genie-ism.

What I speak of is something far more profound. You can use Google to discover the proletariat perspective on any topic by seeing the common search descriptors associated with it. For example, I went to Google Images to find a picture of a crying Whitney Houston and found the following:

Minutes later in my very own Facebook feed:

This crack joke is about as trite as me noting their 'murdering' Houston's last name. RIP, good taste.

Why would I want a crying Whitney Houston picture? Because maybe seeing her innocent tears will be the wake up call my social graph needs to think beyond the crack joke. Unfortunately I couldn't find a good picture that didn't also look like she was on crack.

Is it wrong to take the path most traveled? Not necessarily. You and I are complex creatures. We know when to yield a crass, lowest common denominator "HEY DID YOU HEAR WHITNEY HOUSTON IS SOMEHOW NOTORIOUSLY ASSOCIATED WITH CRACK EVEN UPON HER DEATH?" discussion and when to appeal to higher order signallings.

Candor should be used sparingly, reader.

But I will warn you all that the battle for social supremacy is also an internal battle. We, as individuals, fight the same boorish oblivion that we see at parties within ourselves. If we, but for a moment, think we are some how relieved from the human condition, we might find our left hand lurching for the crack pipe as our right hand makes an unclever joke about Whitney Houston and crack.

In full candor I reveal to you that during the editting process of this very Truth-blog, I cracked. Yes, reader--I, too, in a knee jerk reaction, made a crack joke in reference to Whitney Houston's demise. Rest on crack? What had I become? If I were to allow myself to partake in melodramatic conjecture... maybe a part of me died along with Whitney, that day. May she intercede on my behalf.

Now, I cannot yet speak with of the metaphysics of Whitney's passing. (My online degree is still pending completion.) But I can offer my analysis of effective modes of thought concerning Whitney's death that will, ultimately, give you victory at your parties.

"And the umbrella's open once it starts raining!"

THE AMBIVALENT OVERLORD DOUCHE

This person achieves social dominance by signifying not Whitney's death, but by 'predicting' an obvious human reaction to such news. Like a palm reader deducting that your wrists are attached to your hands, he achieves the appearance of a sorceror in a time of mass hysteria.

With tongue.

THE TYRANNICAL

ABSURDIST              

Somewhere between the brash necrophilia  and prudish respect is the absurdist perspective, which is a simple making out with the corpse. To make light, but not defile. To laugh, not at, but with the face of death. While sensuously stroking its hair.

FEIGNING 'SINCERE' IGNORANCE

If you feel like fiddling with the dead is too advanced for you, then the best path is to pretend you had no idea that she died because American Celebritism is disgusting. Feel free to give an impassioned speech addressing the fact that "[...] people die every day, man [...]" and  further go into discussion about how, when you die, you want your funeral to be a rave. Then have someone swear they will 'pop an E' in  your dead mouth while everyone "just lives."

This person later confirmed her frustration that impassioned queries like 'WHAT!?!?!' do not return relevant information when entered into Google.

Now, out of love for Whitney I suggest that we all stand united in shooting down any attempts of differentiating 'old-school' Whitney or 'crack' Whitney. We all should pretend to like everything she ever did because she's dead, goddamnit. Don't be rude. 

Enjoy your Higher Dimensional parties, Whitney. If you need someone to help you diffuse your unfathomable notoriety with crack, simply write me in your will and I will get started on a solution post haste.


Whitney Houston – Whitney The Greatest Hits