Artifices To Pretend To Like At Parties

Reader, one of the most common mistakes a member of the intelligentsia could ever do is make a sudden, drastic move. We, the intellectuals (assuming that there are others), are like the benevolent old people feeding insight to the cooing dumb pigeons. Even the slightest unexpected motion would cause us to lose the masses.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY
ABOUT THE COPERNICAN MODEL?"

Which is fine--they will move on, forget the lessons of history, and choke on garbage. Except that many pigeons become disoriented and attack the hand that feeds them. Do not forget the sordid tales of Galileo, Turing, or even the recent imprisonment of the culture hero, Tiny Wayne.

So when my editor informed me that changing the title of this project to "Artifices To Pretend To Like At Parties" would give my gospelog a 95% higher chance of being referenced among the Elite, I was distraught.

Although the notion of developing a secret handshake that signified a detente of "We both read Artifices To Pretend To Like At Parties Therefore We Will Not Duel" or maybe  charging 30 dollars for an ATPTLAP application that updated every month with the new Secret Orgy location enticed me, I still knew any sudden movement could beckon a savage mauling of my eyes by the startled and ignorant.

I have always promised myself that if given the option of doing something I truly believed in or accommodating the masses, I would accommodate the masses and use the riches to bribe my inside voice with the trans-fats or carbs or fringe sexual fetishes. But upon reflection of my situation, I came to the profound realization that the masses do not read.

People will eventually tire of hearing about your Yacht, Elite.

So, following my editor's advice, I will actually go against the grain and say unabashedly smarter things catering to the people that have time to look up what words like 'Artifice' mean. To the pigeons that come here looking for crumbs, I plead with you to not kill me. I want the same things you want except in a much more complex and sophisticated way.

To the Elite, I promise I will expand past the physical medium of music and into the wider tricks and gimmicks and charades that truly make our society the stupidest composition of the human condition since the cave-people accidentally inhabited the cave with the toxic gases.

Sophistos--I will be your caviar, your over priced chocolate, and your means to not run out of socially dominant things to say when you are up all night doing coke with the beautiful people.